family pic

family pic

Monday, February 7, 2011

My downward spiral into despair...

It all started out normally enough.. Our youngest was almost 3 and we found out we were expecting a baby... Well about a week later I knew I was going to lose the baby.. Ok, that is farely common, miscarriage happens to alot of women, plus we were moving, so life went on. Well about 8 months later I found out I was pregnant again, but started to bleed right away.. I guess I had what is called a "chemical pregnancy", where we would have just thought it was a late period if we didn't take a test... Again, I was ok w/ it or so I thought. Until I was driving down the road one day and just sobbed and sobbed in mourning for my two babies! A month went by and we took another test, positive again! We thought for sure this one would be ok, after all who has three miscarriages in a row? A few weeks went by, everything was going ok, and then I started spotting... Not again!! This time I called the doctor.. I went in, they took blood and checked me out.. I had to come back to get more blood drawn and that was when they said, yes I was losing this baby too!!! So back and forth I went to get my blood drawn to make sure my levels went down.. This lasted for five weeks!! Yes, I said FIVE weeks, and believe me it was an emotional roller coaster. One time they even called to tell me my levels went up, so I had to go back in for another checkup.. I wonder if out of sheer willpower I was determined to hold on to that baby? Anyway at that time we decided it was probably better to just wait awhile, after all we were moving across country and my body needed to get over the losses. So we moved, got settled, and decided to try again... Pregnant again, this time it was gonna work! Oh ya!! BUT...... a few weeks later the bleeding started.. Off to the doctor I went and I was determined to find out what was going on.. Well after all the bloodwork, there was no obvious reasons as to why I kept miscarrying. So they sent me to a fertility specialist.. I went to the consult visit and they wanted to do different testing, but we didn't have health insurance, (and it would be expensive) so I opted to wait until we did... Time went by and still no health insurance so we thought maybe everything would be ok if we tried again.. After all, I felt fine and like my old self! This time I ended up in the ER in horrible pain and, of course,  lost that baby too.. Months went by and we found out again that I was excpecting and this time it was looking better... I made it to 9 weeks when the bleeding started and my heart shattered! I was home alone w/ the kids (Tim was on a stayaway for work) and going through labor (6 hrs).. It was not fun at all, but I did feel God there, holding me up, and giving me strength.  I went through moments of being ok, but then times of great sorrow..Wondering, why God would take away my babies when I wanted them so bad, yet He gives babies to some people that don't even want them.. When our whole family loves babies and would all welcome one!.. It got so bad that I couldn't look at pregnant women or newborn babies. That when I heard about someone being pregnant (not everybody, but most) I could not be excited and my heart felt cold. It was almost like I had no feelings left. And then, in the springtime of 2009 was the final blow, I was 5 days late and thinking maybe by some miracle God let me get pregnant, but nope, I was just late.. The next day I was reading blogs I follow and read about somebody expecting.. That was when I shattered.. I sobbed and sobbed.. I cried out in anguish to God, screaming in my heart at Him.. "How could you do this to me, You must hate me!!" I have never been so consumed with anger and despair as I was that day and I hope never to go through that again! It was one of the worst days of my life, to feel so far from and unloved by God was sheer agony.....BUT.. the story doesn't end there my friends.. To be Continued....... P.S. the miscarriages all happened in a 3 year period

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing your story. Will be looking forward to the continuation.

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  2. Thank you for sharing. It's hard to be angry and upset with God, but healing comes from letting those thoughts out too. Can't wait to read the rest.

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  3. It's almost like reading my own story! Except I have one baby now after miscarriages... I also got so angry with God... I can't wait to read the rest of your story. I'm also sorry you went/are going through this.

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  4. Sorry I missed your last post, but I just got caught up...looking forward to the next one =)

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